Friday, January 9, 2009
Sometimes Life is Hard
We got the lab reports from Jezebel, today. The oncologist held on to them until after the New Year.
Jezebel had some signs of dsyplasia but no cancer. Certainly no signs of melanoma. Whatever it was that was in her nose - it wasn't cancer. If we'd left it alone, she'd still be here.
Of course, we had to biopsy it. I know that. But to know that if we hadn't done anything she'd still be with us...happy...vibrant...young...loving. We might have had to do something at some point but we weren't there, yet. She wasn't on death's door.
My heart is breaking all over again. I'd convinced myself that I was going to lose her anyway, and soon. I'd told myself that "maybe" this was a more merciful death. Surely there was a reason for it. Now, I know the bad anesthesia reaction was just something that happened. An awful roll of the dice.
I don't expect to be immune from heartache and arbitrary fate. It can destroy or resurrect anyone, anytime. I know that.
It will just take a bit more time.