"On the plains of Oklahoma, with a windshield sunset in your eyes like a watercolor painted sky, you'd think heavens doors have opened."
Fly Over States

Friday, January 9, 2009

Sometimes Life is Hard

We got the lab reports from Jezebel, today. The oncologist held on to them until after the New Year.

Jezebel had some signs of dsyplasia but no cancer. Certainly no signs of melanoma. Whatever it was that was in her nose - it wasn't cancer. If we'd left it alone, she'd still be here.

Of course, we had to biopsy it. I know that. But to know that if we hadn't done anything she'd still be with us...happy...vibrant...young...loving. We might have had to do something at some point but we weren't there, yet. She wasn't on death's door.

My heart is breaking all over again. I'd convinced myself that I was going to lose her anyway, and soon. I'd told myself that "maybe" this was a more merciful death. Surely there was a reason for it. Now, I know the bad anesthesia reaction was just something that happened. An awful roll of the dice.

I don't expect to be immune from heartache and arbitrary fate. It can destroy or resurrect anyone, anytime. I know that.

It will just take a bit more time.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, Penny.


Paula said...

Wish we could find words that would make you feel better. Through your stories we've come to know your furbabies and love them without even having met them. Our hearts are hurting with you. God bless...


Terri said...

I'm so sorry. You know in your head you did what you had to, but I know your heart is breaking. I wish I was there to give you a hug.


South Jersey Quilter said...

"Coulda, woulda, shoulda". You can't go change the past, and you made the best decision you could make at the time, based on the information that you had. Please don't beat yourself up.

That being said, I could just cry along with you, I'm so sad for you. Please don't blame yourself, it's nothing you (or the doc) could have predicted.


Owens Family Adventures said...

Oh Penny, my heart goes out to you. I know that nothing I can write here will make you feel better.....just please know I'm thinking about you tonight.

Linda said...

Just breathe. Lurking Linda

Stephanie D. said...

You and hubby made the most prudent decision, Penny. You couldn't have done anything else.

I'm so sorry.

Holee said...

This post broke my heart. We can only do our best to make the right decisions, the out come is not in our control.

I am so glad Evelyn has taken a more loving roll in the house. Of course, I thought she would knowing that working dogs include taking care of their "people" as part of their job.

Kathy said...

I'm sorry, Penny for your news.
When a person had been treated for cancer, and something of concern happens, do you let it go or do you have it checked? You did the best you could with the information you had. I think most of us would have done as you did. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Pati said...

My heart breaks for you all over again. In our profession, if something is broke we must fix it and this is what you were doing with Jezebel. You made the best decision with the information that you had. If you hadn't made this decision you would worry every day that the awful 'C' word had come back. Take a deep breath. Everything will be okay.


Shanna said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Animals are such a blessing and it is painful to lose a beloved member of the family. You did the best you could. God bless you during this difficult time.

Infinity Quilter said...

I'm so sorry Penny. You did what you thought was right...if only they could talk. I know your heart aches, but you must look forward and not think about what could have been. HUGS from me and big furry hugs from the boys!

Anonymous said...

There just are no words that I can think of to help make you feel better. I think everyone has said it all. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and that you have to go through this at this time.


jacquie said...

oh dear. i'm so sorry. just know you did your best for her.