The Power of Honey

I grew up reading complaints of doctors and other professionals inadvertently (or vertently) insulting women by calling them Honey or Sweetheart. The idea was that they would not speak to a MAN that way and by throwing in an endearment, they were denigrating the woman’s accomplishments and innate worth. The worst offenders were the guys at the coffee shop who added a pat on the waitress’ bottom.

Jerks.

I’ve also read how elderly people are sometimes steamed when a whippersnapper doctor calls them by their first name (while they expect to be called “Doctor”). I took all this to heart.

For years, in order to show respect for my wards and their parents, I studiously avoided using endearments and ALWAYS called their parents Mr. and Mrs. Smith/Jones/Green/etc. One of the reasons I did this was to show respect. Another reason was to build up a boundary so that they understand that I am their child’s lawyer – not just some opinionated lady who is getting into their business. I thought this would help them have more confidence in my legal abilities and set their minds at ease. Moreover, I thought the parents would have an easier time understanding that I represented the child (not them) if I didn’t get too cozy.

A couple of years ago, I reconsidered some of this.

While waiting for court with a particularly tense young man, I slipped and said something like, “Sweetie, it will be fine.” He visibly relaxed. His mother (who was actually his grandmother) melted. The change in body language was so dramatic that it was impossible to miss.

Tentatively, over the next few weeks, I began experimenting. I threw in an occasional Honey or Sweetheart and, without fail, I saw an immediate change in body language, more trust and much more openness. At first, I studiously avoided using these endearments except with cases that I’d had a long time. I found it nearly always calmed the kids. The parents became less guarded. The relationships changed for the better.

From there, I began introducing endearments earlier. The last thing I wanted to do was insult a family but I found that just by using these terms (which come naturally to me I must add) it seemed like I was developing a trusting relationship much more quickly.

I learned that when I use endearments, the kids tend to lean towards me, not away. I’ve even had judges comment that they see the kids visibly relax when I whisper to them in court (I’m usually saying something like, “Sugar, keep it together…” “Hon, don’t worry – we are almost done – you’re doing great.”).

I don’t use endearments with parents - that is a boundary I don’t want to cross. However, in a long term relationship, I will sometimes call them by their first name, depending on the circumstances and if they appear open to it, particularly if they are youngsters. I can't bring myself to call older people by their first name - it is a product of my southern raising. Even when they ask me to address them by their first name it feels funny.

I avoid first names in custody cases unless I use them for both parents since they tend to fight over me. Think of three little girls on the playground and how they each want the third one to be “their” best friend to get a flavor of the dynamic. I’m not trying to be disrespectful – the behavior is rooted, in large part, in fear that they will lose rights to their child and that is a huge fear for any parent. Of course, another large part (sometimes) is that they don’t want the other parent to “win” and they’ve forgotten what it is they are fighting about. “Joe and Barbara, you both have apparently lost your marbles” isn't much more warm and fuzzy than “Mr. and Mrs. Smith, you both have apparently lost your marbles.” However, it is generally less troublesome than, “Barbara, you apparently have lost your marbles and so have you, Mr. Smith.”

At first, I worried that the families would not trust me to be professional in court if their saw me as warm and fuzzy out of court. As it turned out, this concern hasn’t really played out. A lot of families don’t know or care a lot about the law or professionalism. All they really want is to know is that someone cares about them. Maybe that is not a good criterion to pick a lawyer but since the court appoints me, they don't get much of a choice, anyway.

A second thing I discovered was that by not being afraid to use endearments, hard messages seem to be received a little bit more readily. “Sweetie, the judge is not going to buy that foolishness,” is seemingly easier to receive than, “Rebecca, the judge is not going to buy that foolishness.” By calling them Sweetie, the kids don’t seem to automatically think I am rejecting THEM by giving them the straight goods.

Of course, you have to be sincere or the child and his/her family are going to think you are playing them. Like I said, using endearments is a natural way of speaking for me and not everyone would feel comfortable with it. I have a distinct southern drawl so the endearments not only feel natural to me, they probably sound like something I would say. It probably bears mentioning that my age might make using endearments seem less condescending than if I were about 30.

In summary, I’ve learned that I can be a strong legal advocate for a child in the courtroom and that gentle words in private don’t take away from that. Just something I’ve noticed.